Do you ever think that it’s the people around you who make you sane? Part of this sounds completely cliché, but the other part has toyed with me a bit lately. When you are alone, and certainly if you also happen to live alone, you talk to yourself…your inner monologue is in a state of constant chatter, and while I have jokingly said in the past that people should get inside my mind for a second and just take a look around…I’m serious!! There is some CRAZY "S" going on here!!! When you don’t have to filter anything for anyone else’s sake…you should HEAR what goes on in here!! Sometimes its beautiful, sometimes its horrifying, sometimes it’s both, and lets not forget the downright hilarious…there’s a whole red-roped VIP section in the back for that! Without having as many people around, and left to my own devices, I hear my voice loud and clear as I am trying to make decisions, and what a fickle bitch she is! I suppose this is also a realization of how much of a verbal processor I am, but with that option somewhat less accessible to me…it’s me and my thoughts…and what can I say?...I’m a dreamer.
I am trying to figure out my next steps in life (No lie, I actually just heard “Highway to the Danger Zone” playing in my head), and that looks different to me from day to day. The rational side of me will bring me back and tell me to stick to what I know, but the other part is absolutely running amuck with possibilities. You can’t turn it off! At least, I can’t. Without someone else’s noise to trump my own…this thing just plays on repeat ! I try on ideas like musical chairs, only in this club, the music never stops!
This brings me to quite an impasse. Having all of these different chairs to try out, the music never stopping, and me not knowing which one is the “right” chair for me.
I have always had a moral compass that just inherently knows what the “right” thing to do is. That may sound self-righteous, but nevertheless, it’s proven to be mostly true. I think this is where I should thank my parents (shoutout James and Midge!) and while we’re at it, I’d like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press as well. (I’m not sure they had anything to do with it, but it seems like something everyone should try out once in their life.) Anyway, back to the “right” thing to do-- Regardless of how uncomfortable a truth that might be, 9 times out of 10 I know what it is, and my brain/conscience will NOT let me take any other route…or if it does…if I figure out a way to circumvent the system and play ring-around-the-rosy with wrongdoing, it is only a matter of time before I will inevitably be brought back to apologize, and go pick all the toilet paper out of The Davis’ trees.
compass always wins.
It also seems though that the lines between right and wrong become increasingly blurred as we age. It’s not as easy to discern the difference. Life is more complex—more factors involved, more shades of grey. I think being such a black and white person is part of what has protected my innocence in lots of ways….most people start seeing the shades of grey earlier on, the lines blur a bit sooner. I’m a bit late to the party, as it were, which is why I am just seeing some shades of grey now that I actually have some! (Yes, my single grey hair has been reproducing (asexually, I’m hoping) at a surprisingly rapid rate! ) Just for that, I’m reclaiming that “Thirty, flirty, and thriving” catch phrase to “Thirty, Dirty, but Trying” (dirty meaning by this point, you’ve had the chance to fall on your face in some area of life by now).
Anyway, this is the current state of things: that I can usually rely on that compass to help instruct my next steps, but I don’t know what that looks like for me right now. Which brings me back to being a dreamer…
What’s wrong with dreaming? I’ve always been a big proponent of the “life’s too short” mentality, because it’s at least partially true. People have different definitions of what it looks like to live life to the fullest, and different priorities that instruct what it means to live with purpose, but whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, your life is saying something. Whether it’s saying what you want it to say may be a different story. All the more reason to figure out what that is, and try to pursue it. So… I’m trying… Yep. Thirty … almost. Dirty … a little bit. Trying … absolutely.