Do you ever think that it’s the people around you who make
you sane? Part of this sounds
completely cliché, but the other part has toyed with me a bit lately. When you are alone, and certainly if
you also happen to live alone, you talk to yourself…your inner monologue is in
a state of constant chatter, and while I have jokingly said in the past that
people should get inside my mind for a second and just take a look around…I’m
serious!! There is some CRAZY "S" going on here!!! When you don’t have to filter anything
for anyone else’s sake…you should HEAR what goes on in here!! Sometimes its beautiful, sometimes its
horrifying, sometimes it’s both, and lets not forget the downright hilarious…there’s
a whole red-roped VIP section in the back for that! Without having as many people around, and left to my own
devices, I hear my voice loud and clear as I am trying to make decisions, and what a fickle bitch she is! I suppose this is also a realization of
how much of a verbal processor I am, but with that option somewhat less
accessible to me…it’s me and my thoughts…and what can I say?...I’m a
dreamer.
I am trying to figure out my next steps in life (No lie, I
actually just heard “Highway to the Danger Zone” playing in my head), and that
looks different to me from day to day.
The rational side of me will bring me back and tell me to stick to what
I know, but the other part is absolutely running amuck with possibilities. You can’t turn it off! At least, I can’t. Without someone else’s noise to trump
my own…this thing just plays on repeat ! I try on ideas like musical chairs,
only in this club, the music never stops!
This brings me to quite an impasse. Having all of these different
chairs to try out, the music never stopping, and me not knowing which one is
the “right” chair for me.
I have always had a moral compass that just inherently knows
what the “right” thing to do is.
That may sound self-righteous, but nevertheless, it’s proven to be mostly true. I think this is where I should thank my
parents (shoutout James and Midge!) and while we’re at it, I’d like to thank
the Hollywood Foreign Press as well.
(I’m not sure they had anything to do with it, but it seems like
something everyone should try out once in their life.) Anyway, back to the “right” thing to
do-- Regardless of how
uncomfortable a truth that might be, 9 times out of 10 I know what it is, and
my brain/conscience will NOT let me take any other route…or if it does…if I
figure out a way to circumvent the system and play ring-around-the-rosy with
wrongdoing, it is only a matter of time before I will inevitably be brought
back to apologize, and go pick all the toilet paper out of The Davis’
trees. That damn
compass always wins.
It also seems though that the lines between right and wrong
become increasingly blurred as we age.
It’s not as easy to discern the difference. Life is more complex—more factors involved, more shades of
grey. I think being such a black
and white person is part of what has protected my innocence in lots of ways….most
people start seeing the shades of grey earlier on, the lines blur a bit
sooner. I’m a bit late to the
party, as it were, which is why I am just seeing some shades of grey now that I
actually have some! (Yes, my
single grey hair has been reproducing (asexually, I’m hoping) at a surprisingly
rapid rate! ) Just for that, I’m reclaiming that “Thirty, flirty, and thriving”
catch phrase to “Thirty, Dirty, but Trying” (dirty meaning by this point, you’ve
had the chance to fall on your face in some area of life by now).
Anyway, this is the current state of things: that I can
usually rely on that compass to help instruct my next steps, but I don’t know
what that looks like for me right now.
Which brings me back to being a dreamer…
What’s wrong with dreaming? I’ve always been a big proponent of the “life’s too short”
mentality, because it’s at least partially true. People have different definitions of what it looks like to
live life to the fullest, and different priorities that instruct what it means
to live with purpose, but whoever you are, whatever you’re doing, your life is
saying something. Whether it’s saying what you want it to
say may be a different story. All
the more reason to figure out what that is, and try to pursue it. So… I’m trying… Yep. Thirty … almost.
Dirty … a little bit.
Trying … absolutely.